There is a weird connection between divorce and deep, dark depression. It doesn’t usually hit you all at once. It builds over time.
For me, that depression built until I found myself hiding from the world, living under the I-10 overpass in Houston. I was homeless. I stunk. I had erected a “stench boundary” to keep people away.
I was completely stuck at the bottom of the hill until my 20-year-old daughter—the girl I was supposed to be protecting and providing for—saved up her own money and bought her old man a bus ticket home.
That bus ride was a long, dark tunnel. But it taught me the most important lesson I’ve ever learned about getting out of the divorce ditch. If you are a divorced dad sitting at rock bottom right now, you need to hear this.
The 8th Gear Mistake (Why You Keep Stalling)
Let me tell you a story from my trucking days. I had a million miles under my belt. I was a veteran driver. But one day, fully loaded, I hit a hill that was steeper than anything I had ever climbed.
I missed a gear. Then I missed another. I lost my momentum and came to a dead stop right in the middle of a two-lane highway.
Behind me, an army of “unwilling followers” (angry cars) was piling up. I panicked. From a dead stop on a steep hill, I tried to jam the transmission into 8th gear and let the clutch out.
Clunk. I killed the engine. I tried it again. Clunk. Killed it again.
This is exactly what we do when we hit depression after a divorce.
We sit at rock bottom, completely stopped, and we make a massive list of things we are going to fix to get our lives back.
- “I’m going to hit the gym 5 days a week.”
- “I’m going to eat perfectly.”
- “I’m going to read a book a week.”
- “I’m going to journal every day.”
- “I’m going to go to church.”
You try to do all eight things at once. You put your life into 8th gear from a dead stop. And what happens? You stall out. You fail on day two, the depression gets worse, and you beat yourself up because you can’t even get moving.
The Anatomy of the Clutch
To get moving, you have to understand your Inner Big Rig.
Your Mind is the Motor. When you are depressed or anxious, that motor is revving high, but you aren’t going anywhere. Your Body is the Rear End. It is connected directly to your Heart (The Transmission).
Right now, if you are stuck, you have the clutch pushed in. There is a gap between your revving mind and your physical actions. You have to let the clutch out to engage the power. But you can’t do it in 8th gear.
Find Your “Granny Gear”
Sitting on that steep hill with cars honking at me, I finally got pissed off. I stopped trying to jump to 8th gear.
I slammed that rig into Granny Gear—the absolute lowest, slowest, most basic gear a truck has. It gives you maximum torque with minimum speed.
I let the clutch out. The rig groaned, but it moved. I was crawling. The angry people in the cars behind me could have walked up the hill faster than I was driving. But I was moving.
When you are fighting divorce depression, you have to find your personal Granny Gear. Pick ONE thing. Just one.
For me, my Granny Gear was this: Every morning at 6:00 AM, I will find one single thing to be thankful for. That was it. I didn’t worry about the gym. I didn’t worry about the perfect diet. I just shifted into Granny Gear, let the clutch out, and started crawling up the hill. Once you have momentum, then you can shift into 2nd gear.
The Convoy Salute
When I finally reached the top of that hill in my truck, there was a pull-off. I pulled over, exhausted, to let the line of angry cars pass.
They flew by me. They honked. They flipped me the bird. They gave me the “Number One” sign with their middle fingers.
But at the end of the line was another trucker. He didn’t honk. He slowed his rig down, looked me in the eye, and gave me a slow nod and a wave. He knew exactly what it was like to be stuck on that hill.
There are going to be people who judge you for how slow you are recovering from your divorce. Let them pass you by. They don’t drive big rigs.
But I do. And the men in our Convoy do.
Shift Gears with the Brotherhood
If you are stuck at the bottom of the hill right now, don’t try to climb it in 8th gear. Find your Granny Gear, and get in the Convoy.
1. Join the Fortress Get around other men who know what it’s like to stall out, and who will give you that nod of respect when you finally get moving. Join the Brotherhood Here
2. Watch the Breakthrough See the live broadcast where I broke down the “Granny Gear” concept. Watch on YouTube
3. Fuel the Mission If this message helped you let the clutch out today, throw a few bucks in the tank to keep this Convoy rolling. Buy a Gallon of Convoy Fuel ($5)
Keep the shiny side up, driver. Just get it in gear.